No One Daydreams of Being a Hero Like Donald Trump


Donald Trump said he would have charged into the Parkland high school even if he had been unarmed. I got to say, I kind of get a kick out of Trump’s self-aggrandizing digressions. It provides a bit of comic relief in the middle of the rest of his unavoidable bullshit. It’s like the guy has no self-awareness. In any case, it got me wondering about what other hero scenarios he’s played out in his head. Here are a few guesses of scenarios that have played out in that big old genius melon of his:

  • Donnie was able to avoid being drafted on account of his “bone spurs”. If he had been drafted though, he would have risen through the ranks, single-handedly winning battles with his improvisational strategy, cat-like reflexes, and sixth sense for detecting danger. They probably would have made him the commanding general of the war within two weeks. Another two weeks later, the Viet Cong would have surrendered under terms that would have been very, very favorable for the US. Our loss I suppose.
  • Donald has never been in an actual fight because everyone knows better than to cross him, even Chuck Norris. It’s a good thing too, because the can of whoop-ass he would open would be ungodly (and we’re talking as a 70 year old man here, let alone the damage he would have done as a young man). Donald wouldn’t even defend himself to start. Punches and kicks would just ricochet off his chiseled body. In all likelihood, the other man (or men) would break a hand on his granite chin. Then Donald would land one punch and mercilessly send his foe flying through the air, unconscious before he hit the floor. He might even be dead, but hey, that’s why he let the other dude hopelessly flail away at the outset. Now, there is no question that it was self-defense. Fuck that guy. He should have never messed with the best.
  • As a genius, Donald is aware of his vast potential. He could have done many things, but real estate was his calling, as it was for Poppa Trump and for his own kids. However, one alternate future for him could have been to become the world’s greatest physicist. He would have solved the problem of nuclear fusion and a bunch of other stuff. (I don’t think this scenario would be as fleshed out as the others. I’m not sure he even knows about the concept of nuclear fusion. However, I am pretty sure he has looked at Neil deGrasse Tyson and thought to himself, “I would be a much better physicist if I only tried.”)

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