One of the perks that can arise from broadcasting your opinions is that you may connect with like-reasoning people. With that side goal in mind, I suppose I should share a little about myself. Like most who are not narcissists or brimming with self-confidence, that does not come easy to me. It also doesn’t help that I feel like I am in a continuous state of flux in many matters that should anchor me as a person. To boot, I am a chronic insomniac. So, I go through periods where I am walking around in a stupor and days when I feel suddenly lucid, as if the effects of a sedative have worn off. I guess the easiest way for me to talk about myself is to make a boring list of traits and their spectrums of applicability to me as an adult.
The Important Stuff
- Over-analytical to a fault. Always was over-analytical, but I was much more decisive and at times impetuous as a young adult. Now I get analysis paralysis and it takes me forever to do something as trivial as pick a restaurant
- Filled w/ self-doubt. It used to be much less. I also had a lot more bravado so it stayed hidden better
- The last two traits go hand-in-hand with being a procrastinator and planner extraordinaire. I have made so many plans that have never gotten off the ground on account of waiting for “the perfect moment” or because I am being hypercritical of myself. I go through rare periods of very high productivity. Could it be mania? I don’t think so, but I’m waiting for the right time to look into it
- I am rather unfeeling and detached (anhedonia). As a young adult I was quite sensitive: you know, I was touched by sad movies, beautiful art, bad news, etc. Not so much anymore, even when news is personal. I put on the appropriate face to avoid backlash, but I don’t feel much. I was never too susceptible to social fervor, i.e., I’ve never “felt the energy from the crowd.” My general response to most concerts I attended in my youth was, “meh, the recording sounds better”.
- Socially awkward but not shy, except when addressing large groups. Very shy as a youngster, then was quite gregarious as a young adult, then for a few years I just didn’t feel like talking much. Now I talk too much when I’m nervous
- Pretty considerate toward strangers. I’m a good neighbor although not too neighborly
- I’ve never been greatly motivated by money or social status. My main motivation has been internal: comparing myself to a best case scenario of myself given my skill set and attributes. In that respect, I am an utter underachiever and failure. I likely have unrealistic goals, but I don’t know how to tamp them down. On the upside, I don’t feel much jealously toward others. How can I when there is this kick-ass version of my self in a parallel universe just gloating?
- I have a good amount of humility. I used to be a lot more inwardly cocky
- I am a bit of a humorless prick these days. As a young adult I joked a lot and did quirky things for my own amusement. Some folks actually found me quite funny. I don’t know whether I lost my quick wit or I’m keeping it holstered until I become passionate about lampooning something
- I’ve been an atheist all my adult life. I don’t proselytize although I think religious devotion, in all its forms, has very large downsides. I also think that being the self-aware beasts that we are, it is very difficult for us to cope with our ephemeral nature in the absence of some sort of belief in our continuity beyond death. In my case, I take some solace in that as long as I live an examined life, I, as a distinct albeit super confused person, will live on as a force of personal will in the flocking exercise we call culture. Of course, this sort of persistence will only last as long as the human species survives and does not have the same allure as the eternal. Then again, on a grand scale it may be more helpful to the survival of our species to adopt more theologies wherein the endgame is not apocalyptic.
Of less significance
- Education: Master’s in Economics. I am an economist in much the same way a graduate of film school is automatically a director. In other words, I’ve made no contributions to the field and I am not practicing
- Profession: I’ve done a lot of menial work and have no profession to speak of
Matters of Chance
- Mexican-American, late 30s, male, working-class upbringing